Tuesday, May 1, 2012

the other side of fear

"On the other side of fear lies freedom."

I found those profound words on Pinterest. I clicked on the link. It took me to a blog with post titles in English but everything else in another language. German I think. There were lots of dots over the letters. At first I thought it was little specks of dried goop on my screen but they didn't come off when I scraped with my fingernail.

I want to be on the other side of fear. This side is crappy. And it's boring too.

*   *   *

"Do one thing every day that scares you."

I found that one on Pinterest too. Eleanor Roosevelt supposedly said it. 

Thursday's my day to do something that scares me.

Really really really scares the crap out of me to be exact.

My friend asked me many weeks ago to come speak to a group of ladies in her ward (that's her church congregation in case you didn't know). 

The topic: Organization. 

I like to be organized. In my pre-motherhood life I think I was a very organized individual. My classroom was easily the most organized in the entire school (not even bragging here, just stating facts). 

A place for everything and everything in its place.

File, don't pile.

Any my favorite, fake it til you make it (because nobody's perfect all the time).

 *   *   *

But now.

I feel like a total mess. Have been for quite a while. I wouldn't say years but the past few months have not been stellar for me. 

The irony of being asked to talk to a group of women about being organized when I feel like a complete wreck is not lost on me.

I've been thinking about what to say to these women almost every day for many weeks. I'm pretty sure this might have something to do with the fact that I've cried myself to sleep almost every night for many weeks.

I'm scared.

I'm pretty sure tears will be shed right up there in front of all those lovely ladies (who are mostly strangers to me so that makes it even more fun). 

I'll be worried and scared and holy crap, oh so very nervous.

I cry when I'm worried, scared and nervous (and tired and overwhelmed and frustrated too).

It's safe to say I have no aspirations of becoming a motivational speaker. 

I honestly cannot even imagine that ever happening. That'll be the day.

 *   *   *

So between now and Thursday evening I'll just be saying lots of prayers and making sure there's a tub of Ben & Jerry's in the freezer waiting for me when I get home from my big scary meeting.

And I'll be keeping this in mind (because I think it applies to me and the mess I feel like inside and to the ladies who want to get organized but don't know how to do it). One scary thing at a time.

Life by the yard is hard; by the inch it's a cinch.
 Thomas S. Monson


Glenora said...

Show pictures of your closets and that says it all. Also, pictures of the organized bins on the back patio. Or your kitchen cupboards and drawers. I could go on but won't.

Bronco P3t3 said...

C'mon hermana - you can do it! Has hecho cosas mas difíciles en tu vida! Tienes la fuerza de una ejercito de nefitas. Ándale pues! Buena Suerte!

Marisa said...

Is it the topic or the actual speaking that makes you nervous?