Saturday, August 30, 2014

here i am

I almost forgot my blog password. Lucky for you I remembered.

I don't have a computer. Well, I do have one. It broke several years ago and I still haven't taken it in to get fixed. I got an iPhone and decided I didn't really care about my computer. I could just use Dan's. Somehow I managed to hijack my mom's computer over the summer. This is just a random picture she had in her photo album. My sweet little Danny when he wasn't even 2. This will be my blogging standard from now on: random picture and random thoughts. I seriously do not have the brain power for more than that.

Several times this summer I stared at our beautiful Mt. Timpanogos and envisioned myself hiking all the way to the top, all by myself. I'd stand there looking out at the valley below me and then scream at the top of my lungs, "I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE!!!" But more like this, "IIIIIIIIIII!!!! CAAAAAAAN!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOT!!!!!! DOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! THIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!!! ANYYYYYYYY!!!!!! MOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!!!" So long and so loud. And then I'd stay up there and have a nice long, purging cry and hike back down.

Summer makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Well, I always feel like something is wrong with me. Summer just makes it even worse. Why does everyone around me seem to be enjoying the heat and the sun and every single water related leisurely activity known to man? Why? I hate all of that. I can't do it. Something's wrong with me. There was actually a dusting of snow on that Mt. Timpanogos last Saturday and I cried. I am crying again thinking about it.

It rained the first two days of school. Danny cried the second day. "I am not going to school!" It was horrible. I carried him to the car. Good thing he's not big on kicking and hitting along with his crying. First grade was hard for him, all the way up to the very end. He'd say stuff like, "Isn't there such a thing as home school? Like Home. School. Kids just go to school at home?" Ug. I cried a lot last year. He did too. I prayed a lot too.

I hoped this year would be better. I am an anxious wreck every morning before school. I feel like I'm walking on emotional eggshells around him. Say positive things about school but not too many so that I irk him and send him the opposite direction. I hug him and kiss him and tell him that he's brave and strong and I believe in him. I hold him on my lap every morning before school and say a prayer out loud just for him. I pray for his teacher and for his classmates. I even pray for the recess duty ladies.

I've at least figured out that Danny's biggest worry about school is not being safe. He needs to be where he can see an adult at all times. On Monday I mentioned to the duty lady that he gets very worried before school starts and they are lined up outside if he can't see an adult. You know what she said, "Oh, that's no problem. I'll just stand over here where he can see me. And I'll wait until all the second graders are in the building before I leave." I walked away from that and cried in the car. And I decided then and there that if you have the chance to just be a little kinder to someone who needs it, do it.

And of course Cate just practically skips to her classroom. She's happy and chatty all morning before school. No tears. No worries. And I wonder how they can be so different. And I also wonder what that would've been like last year to have no tears and no anxiety about school. All those parents with happy school kids, they're lucky.

This doesn't get easier. It just changes. And so do I and so do they. They're mine and I love them and I'm doing the best I can.